Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize