My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
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this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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