I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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