I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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