Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
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This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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