Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize