I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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