Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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