he thought i was a dude.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
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Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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