Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
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My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
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