Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
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That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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