fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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