What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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