I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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