I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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