now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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