You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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