Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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