Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
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Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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