and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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