walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
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I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
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Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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