1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
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the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
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As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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