but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
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I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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