So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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