i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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