I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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