dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
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Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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