I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize