You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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