Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
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he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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