We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
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When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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