According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
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I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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