So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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