my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
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stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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