I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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