final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Vodka?
Forever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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