im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
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I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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