I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
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Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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