Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
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I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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