im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
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I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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