Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
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We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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