Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
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I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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