I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
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Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
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I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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