Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
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You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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