Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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