He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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