Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
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the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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