Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
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Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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