what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
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He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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