What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
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using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We talked him into tasing himself.
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You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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